If I Should Love Again
by Queria
Summary: REWRITTEN. I wonder, what if I had fallen for John instead of Naru? Sometimes, I wish I had. John/Masako, implied Naru/Mai, one-sided Naru/Masako.


Author's Note

I accidentally removed this story while I was editing it. Sorry, noob here.

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**I love you, not for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you.**

(Unknown)

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_**If I should fall for someone...**_

**1.) He must be the perfect gentleman.**

They were entering the office, when he stepped before her. He opened the door, and ushered her inside.

"After you."

"Why, thank you Brown-san." He gave her a kind smile.

**2.) He must be good with children.**

During the case with Kenji, Masako couldn't keep her eyes off a certain blonde priest. She recently found out that she had a slight... attraction towards the priest. He always managed to summon butterflies in her stomach with his stunning smiles. She felt her heart flutter as she observed how he plays with the children - how he manages to make them smile with simple things. It brings a smile to her face as well, whenever he could hear him laugh with the young ones. His kind personality makes the children (and her, too) forget all miseries and just be happy. The children seemed to be at ease with him. That, she believes, is a very admirable trait; to be able to lift spirits to see the brighter side of life.

"Excuse me."

She turned her head to look at a child no more than ten carrying a small infant bundled in white. She realized she was one of the children playing out the front when they arrived at the church.

"Oh. Yes?" The girl seemed a bit hesitant at what she was about to say. Reluctantly, she glanced between Masako and the infant, before uttering a few words.

"Will you hold him for me? I won't take long. Just one game with the others," she stammered, not able to look her in the eye. Her eyes softened at the child.

"Of course, sweetie." The child's eyes sparkled in gratitude and she handed her the infant before going off somewhere to play with the others. She wondered briefly where she could have gone off to. She hoped she was somewhere not too far away; she doesn't know how to handle an infant, after all.

"Father John!" she heard the girl's voice.

"Mitsuko-chan. Where's your brother?"_ She's with John._

"He's with the nice lady by the bench," Mitsuko answered, pointing over to her direction. He smiled at her. _He smiled at her. _

Damn butterflies._  
_

**3.) He must be a good listener.**

After her experience with Urado, Masako had been permanently scarred. She spent many sleepless nights (and those in which she had been able to sleep were usually brought about by crying too much) reliving her memory. She would often space out, and she had been paranoid ever since.

"Are you okay, Hara-san?"

She was a bit startled by his presence. She looked up to see a pair of blue eyes, those that greatly reminded her of the vast sky. _How very different from Naru's. _Naru's eyes were like the ocean. She always felt strangely uneasy whenever he looked at her (as often as that is). She felt like she was... drowning. Though she would never admit it to anyone, she'd rather stare at John's eyes all day than take a fleeting glance at Naru's. _It's safer to get lost in the sky than be consumed by the ocean.__  
_

"Yes, I'm fine." She knew how unconvincing she must have sounded, but she cared not.

"It is better to let your thoughts out. It would lift a great deal off your mind."

She sighed. Of course he would say that.

"It's just that… every night I dream of _it_." It wouldn't take a genius to know what she was talking about.

"I know it must be traumatizing for you, being in a state like that."

"It's like, every time I close my eyes, I see him. I can't sleep, I can't relax, and I feel like I'm being watched… I… I feel so afraid, John," she sobbed.

John could only watch her wallow in despair. He knew he could do nothing but comfort her.

"It's going to be okay. Urado is gone now. He can't reach you – he never will. Just remember that."

"I know." Somehow, his words seem to affect her a bit. Just a bit.

"But you still feel unease, don't you?" he stated, and she could only nod. What is he, a mindreader or something?

"Do not worry. I'm here for you. We all are."

Despite her tears, she managed to repay him with a smile.

**4.) He must be understanding.**

Oliver. They knew everything now. They knew of his identity, of his true mission, and now…

Where was Mai? Oh yes, she had stormed out of the building. Left, with bitter tears streaming down her face. This was never supposed to happen – or was it? She never thought everything would come down to this. She never thought Mai and the others would react like this – wait…never thought? Or never bothered to think about it? She was never the considerate type, after all. All she ever thought about was herself. She had betrayed everyone - she and Naru.

'But all I ever did was hide him from them. Oliver.'

She never lied to them, that's for sure. But she never really told them everything, had she? She kept a vital piece of Naru away from them. _Isn't that the same as betraying them?_

'Naru's in this too. And Lin. It's not like I'm the only one to blame.'

_It doesn't matter now, does it? You did what you did. It doesn't matter what someone else had done. You betrayed them all. And now…_

After the usually bubbly assistant had left in a fit of tears, she could do nothing but feel guilty. '_You did this to her' _her other half chastised_. _And here she thought she'd gotten rid of that weak half of her long ago.

"How could you lie to us like this? Pretending to be innocent, all so you could gain Naru's favour?"

Masako wasn't blind. She knew Ayako favoured Mai over her. Couldn't blame her though. Even she would prefer to make friends with Mai rather than the snooty Hara Masako.

"How pathetic! Were you so desperate to go this far just to have a man?"

John saw intense emotion flicker in her amethyst orbs. Shame. Regret. Guilt. Pain.

"You selfish shrewd."

She shut her eyes at the comment, and clenched her fists tightly. _Control. Control._

"Matsuzaki-san, please!"

She willed her eyes to remain closed, trying her best to keep the tears from falling. She felt even more ashamed now that John was defending her. She didn't deserve his sympathy, and still...

"I'm sure it's not like that. Hara-san did not mean to offend anyone-"

So true. Hara Masako may be a conceited individual, but never had she once wished to step on someone else's feelings to gain someone else's favor. She may be a bit self-centered, but she wasn't a monster.

"Yet she had!" She felt her stomach drop.

"I didn't mean to," her words barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry."

"You should be!"

She bit back a bitter remark. As much as she wanted to tell them she had to do it for Naru's sake, she figured they wouldn't listen. With a heavy heart, she left them to cool off without her. If she stayed here any longer, she might not be able to keep her temper in check. Mustering up every dignity she had left, she walked off. _At least while someone is still on her side._

**5.) He must accept who I am, and love me for it.**

"I don't get it. I try and try, but I just don't get it."

"Get what?"

They were sitting on one of the tables outside Exquisite, she and John. Five days ago the owner of the restaurant had come to ask for their services. It was so like Naru to choose a case that would ultimately endanger them all. Now that the spirits have been exorcised, every hour they had spent awake had started to weigh down on everyone, herself included.

The others were inside the restaurant. Apparently, Mr. Sinclair, the owner, had been delighted to know that the ghosts have disappeared and, out of appreciation, he entitled everyone to a free meal at the Exquisite. And Masako, being the opportunist that she was, declared that she was to be seated beside Naru. Mai, of course, blatantly expressed her objections to this, saying, 'she wanted to sit beside Naru once in a while'. The monk and the priestess actually stopped their bickering to agree with her.

Now don't get her wrong, she would've let Mai have Naru if she wasn't so engrossed with him. It was unlike her to actually pine for someone who clearly wanted nothing to do with her. She knew her place. But she couldn't let him get away that easily. She was Hara Masako, a celebrity, and many guys would kill for her affections. She was very attractive, and her youthful glow only added to her beauty. She was a smart woman, not swayed easily by many men. Naru was the only one who caught her eye, and she was sure she would definitely catch his as well. If only _she_ hadn't come along...

She doesn't love Naru, of course. She isn't foolish enough to think what she's feeling is love. She is young and inexperienced but she isn't blind like most people of her age is. What she feels for Naru equals to what could be called an_ infatuation_. Love and infatuation are two very different terms.

_That didn't mean it didn't hurt. _It hurt to see his eyes lighten up whenever _she _comes along. She could never get that kind of reaction from him (try all she must), that's why she resorted to blackmail. At first, she felt so low, so dishonorable. But then again, all's fair in love and war. A part of her screamed 'you've lost him already, just move on', but she was stubborn. She couldn't let some ordinary peasant steal something she valued so much and expect her to be fine about it. No, heaven forbid.

_She couldn't take it anymore._

She went outside to take a breath of fresh air. The atmosphere inside was suffocating, seeing Mai in what was supposed to be _her_ position, except Naru seemed to be completely fine with it - not annoyed, or forced, or anything of the like.

Her efforts were fruitless. All she is doing didn't seem to change his feelings, except intensify the dislike he had for her. And it's not just him who is affected by her actions. Matsuzaki, Takigawa, even Lin.

"How you managed to not hate me."

"I have no reason to hate you."

She chuckled dryly. Is he always this dense?

"No reason?"

John cocked his head to the side. She didn't seem to notice the change in her pitch.

"How about when I always acted all superior? Or when I always ignored everyone, and oh wait - how about when I always forced myself upon Naru?" She was breathing unevenly now, and the heat was getting to her system. She glanced through the glass panes of the establishment. Mai was laughing and Naru...

_She really couldn't take it anymore._

"..."

"..."

"It's not in your nature to do that."

"Oh really? What makes you so sure? You don't know me, Brown-san." she said bitterly.

_Someone help her!_

"Hara-san."

"..."

"It's true that I don't know you that much. But I've seen it in your eyes."

"..." _My eyes? _

"You're not the type who doesn't consider what the others might feel. You're silent not because you don't want to talk to us, but because you are observing everyone. Am I correct?"

True. She had been watching everyone, trying to understand them better. She was quite surprised by the fact that John had been able to read her. 'Perhaps he is observing them, too?' She had been branded as a snob because everyone had misinterpreted her silence. She never thought John could analyze her like that. Normally, people would just leave her be.

"John?" she started quietly.

"Yes, Hara-san?"

"...Masako."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Call me Masako."

"Of course, Masako-san." She smiled at this.

"I'm sorry for earlier. I didn't know what came over me."

"I forgive you Masako-san. I just hope one day you would join the group. It's not enough to get to know someone just by watching." He flashed her a dazzling smile.

_Butterflies..._

"I will. And thank you, John. For trying to understand."

"You're most welcome."

She wondered briefly, _what if she had fallen for John instead of Naru? _Maybe she didn't have to suffer the pain of rejection.

But that was all in the past. What she has now is the present. And in if in the future, and if God would allow it, she would happen to fall in love with this man, she would be immensely happy.

Even if her feelings weren't reciprocated, just being with him would sate her longing.

And that is enough to be grateful for.

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I had fun while writing this. Personally, I think this pairing is often over-looked. I think there are too many Mai/Naru fics out there (basically the whole archive) so I don't see the need to write about them anymore. I know many people hate Masako but I on the other hand, just adore her. Anyways, thank you for reading! Please review.


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